WELCOME TO SWAMPTON: A FICTIONAL HUMOR COLUMN
Dear Mr. President
Posted March 24, 2021
By Michael DeWitt, Jr.
Welcome to Swampton, S.C., population 2,168, unless it’s Saturday night and we all “ride off” to the Fairdale Walmart so Momma can get her hair done for church tomorrow.
The sign in front of the Cattywampus Church reads: “Let the Lord’s love cover you like the pollen on your pickup truck!”
Is that stimulus check burning a hole in your pocket? Itching to inject that money back into the economy? Well come on down to Holy Chariot Used Cars, where all our car salesman are righteous, the Lord has forgiven the 350,000 miles on these cars, and you should, too!
Poor Mrs. Susie Sluice doesn’t read the local paper, The Swampton Slinger, so she missed the announcement about Spring Soccer Signups. The kids are devastated, of course. But their dad, Sammy, sure is grinning behind that beard. Now, instead of being drug out of the house early on the weekends, he can stay home every Saturday morning and watch his favorite cooking shows. Better luck next year, kids!
Disappointment has been high since COVID-19 caused the cancellation of the annual Swampton Deer and Beer Festival and the Mudfish Beauty Pageant, but there is hope yet for a community event this summer. The Chamber of Commerce is trying to organize a new attraction, the Swampton Tractor Pull and Pistol Dueling Festival. Since both of these activities require participants to be at least six feet apart, we are sure that the Swampton Department of Health will give their approval by the July 4th holiday. Keep your fingers crossed, your tractors fueled and your six shooters loaded!
Jimmy Shakes hasn’t written a letter since that stint in Swampton County Maximum Security for night-shining and noodling catfish over illegal goldfish bait in a federally protected game reserve. But he sat down and wrote a fine one this week. It read:
Dear Mr. President,
I really want to thank you for all of the stimulus money that you have been sending. There are many American families out here hurting right now, and I am sure these much-needed funds will do a lot of people a lot of good.
However, could you please stop sending money to the following citizen: my wife, Momma Shakes, at 6666 Speed Limit Road, Swampton, S.C. Trust me when I tell you that this individual doesn’t handle money very well and is a threat to democracy – namely my constitutional rights to relax, fish and hunt in my free time.
Ever since that first “stimmy check” hit her account, she has been working me like the proverbial dog. I have been remodeling the kitchen, putting in new cabinets and appliances, knocking down old walls, putting up new walls, painting, and there is even talk of putting in a second bathroom and underpinning our trailer so the dogs and the occasional ‘possum can’t sleep under the house.
Do you know how hard it is to put in a bathroom, Mr. Biden?
And what kind of fancy-pants snob installs underpinning on their trailer house? Who is she trying to impress? Most importantly, where are my deer dogs and coon hounds going to sleep, Mr. President?
So if you could kindly make some budget cuts to Momma Shakes’ stimulus funding, it would be much appreciated, oh great Commander in Chief! But please don’t tell her that I wrote you, or I may need some Secret Service protection, or at the very least you will have to hold a special State of the Union and talk some sense into her. Maybe you can have some peace talks with her and ask her to “calm down,” because she only gets madder when I say it.
Thank you, sir, and God Bless America.
Signed, a Concerned American
So long, and see you next week.
Michael M. DeWitt, Jr. is the editor of The Hampton County Guardian and an award-winning journalist, columnist, author and outdoor writer. “Welcome to Swampton” is a fictional humor column series that publishes weekly in print in The Hampton County Guardian and online at https://www.augustachronicle.com/hampton-county-guardian/
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